Laying Aside the Weight of "Mom Guilt"

I took her to the park, and now she caught strep throat from another child.

I turned my head for two seconds, and the baby fell down, again.

The baby is crying because he’s overtired and hungry, and it’s my fault we decided to go through the drive thru.

Her tantrum must be caused by something I let her eat today.

The above is an example of my own stream of consciousness on any given day. These kinds of thoughts are plaguing us, and we have validated them with a term: mom guilt. This term has been around for about a decade now, and scouring the internet, the things we all tend to feel guilty about are many times things that are out of our control. If only I knew the future. If only I could be in all places at all times. If only I were God. But our duty is to teach them about God, not be their god.

This week while I was strolling my son up and down our driveway, a hornet came out of nowhere, getting very close to him. He reached out to try to touch it just as it decided to fly away and leave us alone. I breathed a sigh of relief and said a short prayer of thanksgiving. But, if things would’ve turned out the opposite, I probably would have spent the whole week going through all the scenarios of how I could have prevented his first hornet sting. 

We can have a difficult time letting things go and trusting God. Omniscience is one of those qualities I wish I had myself, and I can live as though I do. Throughout the day, I find myself acting like Marvel’s Doctor Strange with the time infinity stone. I want every little decision I make to be based on my own ability to see how each predicted outcome will work in my favor. In doing this, I am assuming omniscience is attainable for humanity. Then, when I am faced with disappointments and challenges, I am left with a feeling of “mom guilt.”

We cannot grow into becoming predictors of the future. Only God has this incommunicable attribute. In all of my above scenarios, we are not accounting for our God who is orchestrating all things. It is very self-focused.

Mom guilt can be a hard thing to shake because there will always be something we wish we had done a little bit differently. Often, these things would fall into the category of adiaphora. There are decisions or scenarios we can play over and over again in our heads while we forget we serve a sovereign Lord who is Lord of the past. There is nothing morally wrong choosing to bottle feed rather than nurse a baby or buying bread from a grocery store instead of baking a freshly made loaf each day. We have freedom to make decisions like this, and spending our time mediating on what we could have done better is a distraction. It can cause us to become desensitized to sin and over sensitized to the things that don’t matter. Maybe there is a sin of envy, comparison, or a grumpy attitude when things don’t go as expected, that we need to confess.

In replaying these situations, we can find ourselves meditating on lies that are keeping Truth out. It is unproductive and can take the joy out of motherhood. The little things become far too important. Instead of feeling guilty about not setting up that family vegetable garden that’s been on my mind, maybe my focus should be on repenting for the impatience I displayed towards my toddler who interrupted my train of thought.

In a desperate desire for control, we are forfeiting prayer, communion with the Holy One that brings peace to our hearts rather than confusion and a sunken spirit. Our exit strategy out of the slough of mom guilt is to confess pride, the desire to be like God, and humble ourselves before Him. We confess a sinful obsession over the transient things and set our eyes on what is unseen. We accept our finitude. We learn to trace His hand in our big and little narratives, and we learn to rejoice and be glad in these days He has made.

There are certain seasons of life that can cause us to sing the blues more frequently. However, we can still think about what is true, lovely, and praiseworthy. We can ascend to better places in our minds even if our emotions are not there yet.

The secular world might prompt us to consider some self-care, to work on managing our expectations, etc. But the Christian worldview says, “Look to Christ!” In casting our cares upon Him and humbling ourselves before our mighty Creator who actually is omniscient, omnipresent, eternal, and omnipotent, we can start to see ourselves as a daughter for whom He truly cares. Like Christ, we understand that "equality with God is not a thing to be grasped." It is in the arms of grace, not at a spa or a weekend excursion alone, that we find the comfort and help that we truly need. There are bigger burdens in life we may soon be called to bear. I need to let the weight of baby tears and the toddler sniffles go.