The Heart of Christ in Christian Friendship

“A friend loves at all times,” says the Proverbs, and I do think this is true of Christian friendship. As sisters in Christ, our union is deeper than flesh and blood here on Earth. We are united by the blood that runs deeper from the Fountain that never runs dry. God is good in gifting us with godly friends, and He uses them as vessels for our sanctification, teaches us more of His character through them, and uses them to direct our gaze to Him.

For the Christian, we can trust God is doing far more than we can ask or imagine in our friendships. God sends us what we need in certain seasons of life, knowing what the future holds. There may be times when our patience is tried, when we miscommunicate, or become overly sensitive. But even in the hard times, God is using them to help burn off the dross.

The effects of a fallen world are not exempt from finding their way into friendship. Jealousy and envy can have their way of popping up unexpectedly because we are sinners. We can sinfully compare our possessions, physical appearance, spiritual gifts, or situations in life. We can become disappointed and fall into self-pity or anger when we do not get the social invitation that others did. We can become paranoid by a look or phrase taken out of context. We can crave the type of friendship someone else has with another. We can start counting how many close friends we will need to be satisfied.

But when we recognize all our needs are met in Christ, the pressure is off. We can enjoy the gift of friendship for what it is. When we are walking in the Spirit rather than the flesh, our perception changes. We remember we do not truly know our fellow man and will not always know what others are going through. We are each carrying our own crosses and might not be privy to the insider information of the heart.

When we are left out, we can understand space constraints and pray that those joining together in fellowship would have a blessed time together. In misunderstandings, we can remember that love is not easily offended and “hopes all things.” When transgression is not lacking, we seek forgiveness and think of ourselves with sober judgment. We “let love cover it,” as we try to imitate the One who casts our sins as far as the east is from the west.

Sometimes God can send someone else to play the role we once held in a friend’s life, as changing responsibilities and differing gifts purposed another for that position. It would be naive and prideful to assume our posts will never change, for we know not what tomorrow holds. We are not the One who is meant to be all things for all people. We learn to thank God that our friends have other friends, and like C.S. Lewis says, “I want other lights than my own to show all his facets.” 

We learn from each other and benefit from one another’s giftings, like the one who always has a word of encouragement, or the one who invites you over for feedback on her homemade cakes. We see more of the character of Christ, like in the one who serves her aging parents sacrificially. In the really good ones, we learn how to pray more fervently, how to walk through trials while trusting God is good, and how we can steward our talents and possessions well for God’s glory.

As we grow closer, our sin natures may become clearer, but so does the transforming work of Christ within us. We learn humility and recognize we are all in need of grace as we are being sanctified by His spirit.

Even in seasons of loneliness, we learn to be thankful as we are reminded that the truest of companions is the One who laid down His life on the cross for His friends. When I look for that in earthly friendships, I am idolizing something that is not meant to hold that weight. Christ is the vine that gives support to the branches. And what a gift these other branches are, if we don’t hold on too tightly. The heart of Christ in Christian friendship is not that we would make much of one another or the even the idea of friendship, but that through them we would make much of Him. Friendships are not designed to satisfy but help point to the One who does.

I am learning that like much in this life, friendships are subject to change. New jobs, marriages, having children, grieving losses, and even schedule changes are all circumstances that can change us and our friendships. The distances can grow physically and metaphorically as we grow. But we can trust that at a certain time and a certain place God gave us what we needed in each friendship, just as He is doing now.

When times get hard or situations change, Christ comes in and does the work we cannot do. The best gift we can give our friends is our own abiding in Christ and walking in step with the Spirit. We encourage one another to press on and direct the focus upwards, acknowledging Christ is "the friend who sticks closer than a brother." It’s at His Throne of Grace where our full vent leaves us with the “peace that passes understanding.” He perfectly intercedes because He knows exactly what we need. He graciously sends us the Aaron to help hold up our arms, or He gives us more of Himself. His advice is never flawed or self-seeking. He comforts every affliction and never misunderstands. The friendship of Christ is salvific by nature. He truly loves at all times.

“In friendship...we think we have chosen our peers. In reality, a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another... might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends, "Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another."

-C.S. Lewis